My New Year's Resolutions

1) To meet this walrus and share a fish with him.
2) To make Paris Hilton my girlfriend.
3) To grow back hair into a mohawk, then crawl around like a stegosaurus.
4) To kill Bigfoot, or at least capture and waterboard him.
5) To make pickles illegal.
6) To add 5 pounds to my benchpress.
7) To add 5 pounds to my ass.
8) To win ANOTHER modeling competition.
9) For this blog to be printed in the NYTimes as a result of some scandal I am involved in.
10) To purchase undershirts without factory installed pit stains.

Real Life: It's Your Destiny

1. Bob Barker = Walmart Greeter ("Mayonaisse? Aisle 5, $2.37)

2. Bono = Sunglass Hut Franchisee

3. Keanu Reeves = First Successful Personality Transplant Recipient

4. Michael Phelps = SeaWorld Perfomer

5. Paris Hilton = Missionary (of some sort...)

6. Samuel L. Jackson = Lifetime Achievement Award for Most Disgruntled Cop Roles

7. Amy Winehouse = D.A.R.E. Show & Tell Presenter

8. Dick Cheney = Duracell Battery Spokesman

9. Santa Claus = Priest

My Hero for the Day

Why I wish I was more like you, Sir:

1) I would have a sweet scooter.
2) Expectations of me would be much lower.
3) I could get away with wearing suspenders.
4) I would pick up more ladies.
5) I would most likely be jolly.
6) I could teach Nascar drivers to draft.

One for the Guys: Urinal Etiquette

Okay, now most of these rules may seem self-explanatory, but there are definitely people out there that should follow these tips:

1) Do not pee on the top of the urinal

2) Do not pee on the floor (this means you, 21st floor puddle monkey)

3) Do not rest your hands/elbows on the divider between the urinals while standing next to another man. You can support your own weight for 35 seconds.

4) If you must talk to your neighbor, eye contact is NOT necessary or appreciated. It's creepy.

5) If stage fright happens, please step back and take a moment to gather your thoughts. It is not okay to hold up the rest of us while you shuffle your feet and think watery thoughts. This is twice as important in a crowded venue, i.e. a stadium, after a movie, etc.

Will Somebody Please Shut These People Up?

Recent Co-worker Comments & Convos:

1. Boss "Yeah, I definitely think that Chicago and Minneapolis are the coldest of our offices."

Co-Worker "Or Fargo."

Boss "We don't have an office in Fargo."

Co-Worker "But it's really cold there."

2. Boss "Here's the popcorn you ordered from my daughter's fundraiser."

Co-Worker "You mean it's seeds? I thought it would be for the microwave."

Boss "You selected the tin of unpopped popcorn -- you didn't select the microwave popcorn."

Co-worker "Well, how am I supposed to pop it?"

Boss "Just put it in a pan on the stove with some oil."

Co-worker "I don't have a pan big enough for all of this!"

Boss "That's a 5 pound tin, you don't want to pop it all at once -- just put a little in."

Co-Worker "But it expands -- how many pieces do the seeds make?"

3. Me "Hey, quick question -- where's the billing drop spot on our new floor?"

Office Assistant "I'm not answering any questions now -- I'm working on a confidential project."

Me "Huh? Just point me to where you put the billing station for us..."

Office Assistant "I'm sorry, but no questions right now!"

4. Co-Worker "Hey, do you have a minute? What am I supposed to do with the Florida app?"

Her Manager "I don't know, why are you asking me?"

Co-Worker "...because you sent out the email with the application to all of us..."

Her Manager "I don't know! You're going to have to ask someone else!"

Co-Worker "Who? You gave us the application!"

Her Manager "Do I have to do everything around here??"

Co-Worker "......YOU'RE F***ING WORTHLESS!"

When Bob Speaks...

Now, you may be asking yourself, "Who is Bob?" Bob is my own personal cab driver. He used to be everyone's cab driver, but now he's retired (he's like 75), so he only drives for people in the know. I met him one day when I was trying to hail a cab, and this red Toyota Corolla rolled up and beeped at me. Bob introduced himself, showed me his cabbie license, and asked if I needed a ride. He doesn't have a meter, but he has proven highly capable of guessing the cost to any location in the city. His business cards are actually cards for a nail salon, but he has crossed out the front and written his cell phone number on the back. Bob is a thinker.

Here are some recent quotes from Bob:

1. (Concerning Sarah Palin) -- "Mac just wanted a hot lady with him to get more votes. And man, she is hot! Everytime she comes on TV my cat doesn't know WHAT I'm doing."

2. (Concerning the sidewalk stars imprinted with actors' handprints in Hollywood) -- "All you need to do to get a star is be rich and famous. They let anybody have a star, if you're rich and famous. Now there are too many stars. They have those damn things all over the town. All these rich and famous people, 'I'm rich, I'm famous, give me a star!' It's crazy. All these people do is be in movies, and they get to have a star." (This went on for about ten minutes. He clearly has an issue with celebrities.)

3. (Concerning Madonna & Guy Ritchie's divorce) "Good for him, not taking any of her money. That's a good guy! And her, all she did was finger f*** herself and now she's worth billions of dollars?! I don't get it, I just don't get it."

Tony Romo Is Actually A Golden Retriever

Am I the only one that sees it?

Uno Mas Sign of a Sucker

Every once in awhile a product comes along that is so innately stupid that it actually makes me angry. In this case, that product is called an "Uno." For those of you who have yet to catch "Uno Fever," let me explain why you would be a complete f*cking idiot to get in on this scheme. The item above is an Uno, and is advertised as magnetic jewelry. In reality, this piece of "jewelry" consists of an extra long keychain held together by a tiny magnetic ball (the picture above is magnefied about 100 times -- the silver ball is about 1/2 the size of my pinky fingernail). Now, if you're a 13 year old girl, I could see you falling for this type of garbage; if so, please have one of your friends slap you. Hopefully, the rest of you are intelligent enough not to spend SIXTEEN dollars for something that's really only a reason for the rest of us to make fun of you. If you're that desperate, I'll make fun of you for free.

A McPhenomenal Sandwich -- The Farmer

How I Know Kung Fu Panda Isn't A True Story

1) Pandas do not know martial arts, nor can they learn them.

2) If you are going to pick 5 animals to be the top fighters in China, you are not going to pick a mantis, a snake, or a crane. I'll give you the tiger and the monkey, but in a real fight, the mantis and snake would get stepped on immediately, and one kick would snap the crane's legs.

3) The evil tiger would have mauled the panda.

4) A panda would never work in a noodle restaurant. I mean, come on, are you going to give it a full body fur net?

5) How exactly does a turtle disappear into a cloud of peach tree leaves? I'm calling bullshit on this one.

6) A chinchilla would not raise a tiger from birth. He would be eaten.

7) A goose/duck would not raise a panda. He, too, would be eaten.

8) Animals do not talk.

9) If said animals did talk, an evil tiger orphan raised by a chinchilla in China would not speak with a British accent.

10) The woo-shoo finger hold does not actually set off a nuclear explosion by flexing the pinky finger. And if it did, the panda would have been fried along with the tiger.

Note: This is going to be a new column series in which I call bullshit on all of the stuff Dreamworks has been trying to force down our throats. They have skated by with their fake stories for far too long. At the very least, I would like to see them add a disclaimer to the beginning of every movie, as well as to every preview, so that I do not go to the movies only to be blindsided by their lies.

You Know You're A Cougar When...

1) You put Merlot on your cereal
2) Cheetahs have actually mistaken you for their young
3) Your dates are mistaken for your children
4) You receive preferred customer discounts for Botox treatment
5) You hear catcalls when shopping for Depends, and feel flattered
6) You brag about being hit on... by your children's friends
7) Your diet consists primarly of small rodents and birds

Co-Worker Muzzle Needed

Worst/Stupidest Things I've Heard In The Office Recently:

1) "My husband really needs to learn how to iron -- my clothes never seem to fit because he messes up around the buttons." *see previous sausage post

2) "So we had a Roto Rooter emergency last night -- my husband tried to plunge our toilet for an hour, but it didn't work. I just don't know what I ate!"

3) "Oh, we're having hotdogs for lunch? You know who just LOVES a giant hotdog? My 10 year old daughter!"

4) Co-Worker: "My daughter got a tattoo this weekend, and I'm really upset! I just don't know what type of image she's trying to put out there..."

Me: "Really? Why, where is the tattoo? Is it visible?"

Co-Worker: "It's on her shoulder."

Me: "That's not too bad -- what is it, anyway?"

Co-Worker: "It's a trombone -- her HS band got instrument tattoos."

5) "You know what, I'm sick of people complaining about raises! If you want to make obscene amounts of money, leave! But if you actually care about your career here, you'll stay."

One for the People

For decades, many offices across America have strived to make their employees feel more comfortable. Whether it's through ergonomic chairs or LCD monitors, companies have found that a comfortable worker is a productive worker. It was along these same lines of thought that Corporate America came up with the concept of Casual Fridays.

Some people aren't so lucky. Some people are required by their faith and community to ride horses, sit on logs, drink straight from the udders and wear scratchy homespun wool every day of their lives. In the hopes of spreading some corporate cheer, I propose that from here on out, every Tuesday will be known as Casual Menonite Tuesday. Let down your hair, my friends, and throw on some jeans -- you've earned it! Want to take a ride in the swivel chair? Be my guest! That barca lounger has your name on it! Welcome to Casual Menonite Tuesday!

Bosintang Recipe

Dog Soup is called, Gaejang, Gajangkuk, or Gujang, Gujangaeng, Guyoukgeng. It has been called Bosintang from the later part of 1940,but during the period of the 1988 Olympic games, it was banned to use the name of Bosintang, so its name was replaced by Youngyangtang, Sacheoltang, Mungmungtang. But nowadays, the name of Bosintang is widely used instead of Youngyangtang. Bosintang is made by boiling dog meat with thin soy paste, tearing it into pieces, putting ingredients such as green onion, leek, stalk of taro, brake into broth, and boiling it again to make Bosintang. In Kyungsang province, to get rid of the smell, perilla purple are put in the soup. Perilla are also used for ridding the smell. Taste of perilla is similar to that of dog, and it becomes a good match to dog meat. Side dishes of dog meat are Kimchi, fresh peppers, and cucumbers. Adding a glass of Soju(liquor) enhances the taste.

Why Paul Walker Would Make A Better VP Than Sarah Palin

1) He is a better driver

2) He likes animals, especially Siberian Huskies

3) He is smarter

4) He isn't a bitch... completely

5) His accent is less annoying

6) He would make a better President

7) He would lower taxes. Or raise them. Whatever.

8) Same for Health Care

9) Highest surfer voter turnout ever, as opposed to highest redneck moose muncher turnout ever... okay that one's a wash.

Why My Fish Is Better Than Your Fish

1) He recognizes me, and greets me when I come home.

2) He lives in a skull-shaped home. By choice.

3) His name is Deuce.

4) He lets me decide when and how much to feed him. Yes, he can go three weeks eating his own poop.

5) He has no problems with people using his bowl as a wishing well.

6) He is the oldest fish I have ever met -- 18 months old.

7) He can blow bubbles at will.

I Work With A Sausage

So, I work with a sausage. And this is honestly the kindest way to describe my cubicle neighbor's daily appearance. Somedays, I swear I can hear her suit buttons crying. And it's not that she's particularly fat -- she's not thin, but not ginormous -- but she is under the impression that purchasing little people's clothes will make her look hot. Now, don't get me wrong, I am all for formfitting clothing -- but if your form is that of a snowman, please do not dress like a prostitute. Snowmen can be attractive too, but I guarantee you they don't shop at Express. Go to Dress Barn.

Daylight Savings Time: You Suck

You suck, you are pointless, and nobody likes you. You either make me late or early, and both are unnecessary. Like the cavemen, and all wildlife in general, I can adjust my own schedule based on whether or not it is sunny out. Clocks work fine without you. If you're having problems, learn some f***ing time management.

Things That Smell Good That Probably Shouldn't

1) Leather -- it's a cow's skin, enough said.

2) Gasoline -- if it weren't for the flammable thing, I would bathe in you.

3) Newspapers -- I don't know that this should necessarily smell bad, but there's really no reason it should smell good.

4) Strippers -- I don't need to explain.

5) Dog food -- You're not for me to eat, so stop tempting me.

6) Airplane air vent air -- It just doesn't fit the general discount coach seat nastiness.

7) Overheating office printers -- they kind of smell like fresh Papa John's pizza.

Reasons Why Capes Should Be More Popular

Capes are possibly the most underrated outer garment. Below are reasons they need to come back:

1) Pure style -- no other item looks equally as cool whether the wearer is walking, running, or riding a bike.

2) Convenient warmth-- Imagine having a blanket with you at all times, but one you don't actually need to carry with your hands.

3) Ease of finding the correct size -- I am reasonably confident manufacturers could stick to two sizes, child and normal.

4) Handy picnic/beach/stadium supply -- no explanation needed.

5) Backpack protection -- not only will you remain dry, but your backpack will as well!

6) Slimming effect -- no easier way to hide a large ass than draping a tarp over it.

7) Sound effects -- nothing radiates power like the "swish" of a cape.

I am reasonably certain there are more benefits to the cape, but this is all I've got at the moment. I'll update as needed.

Things I Stepped in Last Week

This is a list for my friend Steph, who requested that I put a lot of lists on this blog. This will be a short list, albeit one that is very meaningful to me, simply because all (both) of these events sucked.

1) Monday -- stepped in a dog nugget at the bus stop on my way to work. And despite my best efforts at the mens' room sink, I continued to get whiffs of digested Purina all day.

2) Tuesday -- unknown white substance. Possibly paint, salad dressing, or an ostrich worth of bird shit. This wasn't discovered until after lunch, and was not actually on the bottom of my shoe, but was somehow streaked over the side and onto my pants cuff. Smelled like white-out, and was not the most cooperative in the cleaning-up phase.

Note: this may be a taco entry for some of you (see first entry).

Hence the Name

Basically, I called this blog Combo Platter because there is no doubt in my mind that some (most) of you would be more than happy to substitute some of the crap that ends up on it with more meaningful (to you) material. It's like when a Mexican restaurant offers you a meal with a taco, an enchilada, and one of those gross stuffed jalapeno things. No one really wants the taco, but you deal with it to get the other stuff.

Also, a quick note regarding why this blog exists -- I have way too much time on my hands at my "real" job. No other reason. And until now, my online socializing consisted of facebook stalking with a dash of internet dating. However, both websites have now been deemed "Non-Business Sites" and are fully blocked. So going forward this is how I will spend my time, at least for the next few days until I find something else to do.