Why I love online banking chat room specialists

Harry: Please allow me a moment while I check the details.

You: ok thank you

Harry: Thank you for your time and patience.

Harry: I was trying my best.

You: Thats okay -- any luck? Can you remove those fees?

Harry: I really appreciate your precious relationship with us and Being one of our valued customers I would be more than happy to give you a courtesy refund.

Harry: This will be credited within 24 to 48 hours.

Harry: I have tried my best to help you a prestigious customer like you by offering this refund today.

You: Thats terrific -- you can refund both the $35 return check fee and also the $39 late fee, for a total of $74?

Harry: I completely understand your situation.

Harry: As a chat specialist I have certain set of rules and policies to follow as well.

Harry: I have tried my best to help you a prestigious customer like you by offering this refund today.

You: Is that a yes, you can refund the total of $74 in fees?

Harry: I am able to refund only $39.00.

Harry: If possible I would have been the first one to refund both the fees.

You: But the $35 was a result of your system pulling from the incorrect account

You: which I had already corrected

You: I don't believe I should be charged a fee for that

Harry: I am reviewing it for you again.

You: thank you

Harry: I will be right with you.

Harry: Thank you for waiting. I'll be with you in just a moment.

You: thank you

Harry: I'm sorry for the delay. I'll be right with you.

Harry: Thank you for your time and patience.

You: No problem

You: I feel like you should have the Jeopardy theme song playing while I wait

Harry: Thank you for your concern.

You: Thank you for your time and patience with me, Harry

Harry: I have processed the refund for you.

Harry: This will be credited within 24 to 48 hours.

You: Both the refund for $35 and the refund for $39?

Harry: Thats right.

You: Thank you so much for your help

Harry: Pleasure was all mine.

Harry: Is there anything else I can help you with today?

You: I beg to differ -- the pleasure was all mine

You: Can you reduce my interest rate?

Harry: I would have loved to lower your interest rate however as a credit card specialist I am unable to do that through this chat channel.

Harry: However, I have a best alternative for you in this matter.

Harry: You are more than welcome to contact our Specialized Credit Department to discuss this matter and to check if your account is eligible for any promotional offer with a lower interest rate.

Harry: Would you like me to provide you the direct phone number for our specialist?

You: Can I chat online with them?

Harry: I see that you rate is fixed,

You: I do not have a phone

Harry: I am sorry this will not be possible.

You: Can you contact them for me?

Harry: I am unable to contact them.

You: That is too bad

You: alas, thank you again for your time and patience

Harry: I sincerely apologize for the inconvenience.

You: you have been most helpful

Harry: You are most welcome.

Harry: Is there anything else I can help you with today?

You: No no, you have done more than enough

Harry: It was a pleasure assisting you today.

Harry: Wish you a very happy Christmas and New Year!

You: You, too, my new friend!

Harry: I do want to take the opportunity to thank you for being a valued Bank of America customer. We appreciate your business.

You: And I yours

You: Have a wonderful day

Harry: Absolutely!

Harry: You too!

You: Thank you!

You: Goodbye Harry!

Harry: To close this chat session, click the "Close" button in the upper right corner of this chat window.

You: Will it time me out if I do not click close?

Harry: Thats right.

You: What is the time limit?

Harry: 5 to 10 mins.

You: Okay, that is good to know

Harry: Shall I close it for you?

You: Thanks again!

You: Yes, please

Harry: You are most welcome anytime.

Three Cheers for Zolotisty and Boy!

Yesterday, I had the privilege of seeing a personal letter written by Helen Keller to a friend of hers, and even though there was nothing particularly noteworthy in the letter, I was flabbergasted by her beautiful handwriting. Which got me thinking - what were the names of Pavlov's dogs?

Allow me to explain.

Helen Keller was blind, deaf, and mute, yet somehow she managed to graduate from college, she wrote several books, and she founded the American Foundation for the Blind. In addition, she was known as an activist and a lecturer (don't ask me) for causes including Socialism and women's rights. Today, everyone knows her name, and she is hailed by many as a genius.

I don't buy any of it. Now, if everyone knew the name of her tutor/therapist/trainer and general puppetmaster extraordinaire (Ann Sullivan), and this woman was hailed as a genius, I wouldn't have a problem. But absolutely nothing can convince me that someone who can't see, hear, or speak really understood the meaning and feeling behind her letters, books, and speeches (again, I have no idea), let alone was solely responsible for setting up an international foundation! Do I believe she did it? Sure. But do I also believe that had Ann Sullivan wanted her to become a whistling Muslim poet, could she have done it? You'd better believe it.

Which brings me to Pavlov's dogs. So he managed to train a couple of dogs to drool when they hear a bell ring -- so what? Why do we hail him as some psychologist wizard, when in reality, it was Zolotisty and Boy (the real talent) who managed to master their saliva glands to drool on command? What, is that a bell I hear? Slurrrrp.

All I'm asking for is consistency. If we're going to praise the trainer in one situation, than lets do it across the board. Why do we think it's fair to pick and choose the accomplishments we recognize? And more importantly, did Ann Sullivan ever get Helen Keller to drool on command?

The Best Thing Since Sliced Bread... Literally

I would like to take this opportunity to make my reader(s) aware of an organization I recently joined which is sure to provide a large amount of fodder for this blog. In the interest of providing some anonymity to other participants in the club, I will refer to it henceforth as Cookedbreadmasters.

What is Cookedbreadmasters, you ask? In short, it is a public speaking club for those among us who find it difficult to talk in front of large groups. Or small groups. Or to their pets.

I have attended one meeting, and from what I can tell, the ideal candidate is someone with any or all of the following:

1) a heavy accent
2) a stuttering problem
3) an issue with making eye contact
4) a lisp
5) a propensity to wet himself or herself when conversing with others.

As it just so happens, I possess none of the above, and therefore imagine myself as the Poster Child of a successful graduate of the program. However, in all fairness to the organization, I think it's a tremendous (and safe) opportunity for those people with the above problems to conquer their fears. To prove this, and in the hopes of obtaining an official Cookedbreadmasters tie, I have taken it upon myself to recruit others to this program. Recruiting will take place each night this week between the hours of 12 and 4am on the Chicago public transportation system. If you are interested in joining, please feel free to show up at any time, and look for the guy with dry pants who looks you in the eye and crisply says "Hello" when you board the train.

Now Hiring

Due to my fish's decision to pursue other opportunities (in the toilet), there is now an opening in his fish bowl. Candidates must possess the following attributes:

1) Leadership - you must be willing to manage the rocks in your tank, as well as inspire the plastic weed to start pulling his own weight.

2) Determination - you must be determined to eat at least four food pellets a day, and occasionally five, depending on my generosity.

3) Service - you must be committed to providing the excellent customer service my clients have come to expect. You must be willing to greet them at the north side of your bowl, and politely blow bubbles in their direction. You must consistently display a cheerful, "can-do" attitude.

4) Knowledge - you must clearly demonstrate the specific knowledge requirements of a fish. You will be expected to develop your own business plan, and execute it in a financially sound manner.

Applications are now being accepted, and relocation expenses are negotiable. Thank you.

My New Year's Resolutions

1) To meet this walrus and share a fish with him.
2) To make Paris Hilton my girlfriend.
3) To grow back hair into a mohawk, then crawl around like a stegosaurus.
4) To kill Bigfoot, or at least capture and waterboard him.
5) To make pickles illegal.
6) To add 5 pounds to my benchpress.
7) To add 5 pounds to my ass.
8) To win ANOTHER modeling competition.
9) For this blog to be printed in the NYTimes as a result of some scandal I am involved in.
10) To purchase undershirts without factory installed pit stains.

Real Life: It's Your Destiny

1. Bob Barker = Walmart Greeter ("Mayonaisse? Aisle 5, $2.37)

2. Bono = Sunglass Hut Franchisee

3. Keanu Reeves = First Successful Personality Transplant Recipient

4. Michael Phelps = SeaWorld Perfomer

5. Paris Hilton = Missionary (of some sort...)

6. Samuel L. Jackson = Lifetime Achievement Award for Most Disgruntled Cop Roles

7. Amy Winehouse = D.A.R.E. Show & Tell Presenter

8. Dick Cheney = Duracell Battery Spokesman

9. Santa Claus = Priest

My Hero for the Day

Why I wish I was more like you, Sir:

1) I would have a sweet scooter.
2) Expectations of me would be much lower.
3) I could get away with wearing suspenders.
4) I would pick up more ladies.
5) I would most likely be jolly.
6) I could teach Nascar drivers to draft.

One for the Guys: Urinal Etiquette

Okay, now most of these rules may seem self-explanatory, but there are definitely people out there that should follow these tips:

1) Do not pee on the top of the urinal

2) Do not pee on the floor (this means you, 21st floor puddle monkey)

3) Do not rest your hands/elbows on the divider between the urinals while standing next to another man. You can support your own weight for 35 seconds.

4) If you must talk to your neighbor, eye contact is NOT necessary or appreciated. It's creepy.

5) If stage fright happens, please step back and take a moment to gather your thoughts. It is not okay to hold up the rest of us while you shuffle your feet and think watery thoughts. This is twice as important in a crowded venue, i.e. a stadium, after a movie, etc.

Will Somebody Please Shut These People Up?

Recent Co-worker Comments & Convos:

1. Boss "Yeah, I definitely think that Chicago and Minneapolis are the coldest of our offices."

Co-Worker "Or Fargo."

Boss "We don't have an office in Fargo."

Co-Worker "But it's really cold there."

2. Boss "Here's the popcorn you ordered from my daughter's fundraiser."

Co-Worker "You mean it's seeds? I thought it would be for the microwave."

Boss "You selected the tin of unpopped popcorn -- you didn't select the microwave popcorn."

Co-worker "Well, how am I supposed to pop it?"

Boss "Just put it in a pan on the stove with some oil."

Co-worker "I don't have a pan big enough for all of this!"

Boss "That's a 5 pound tin, you don't want to pop it all at once -- just put a little in."

Co-Worker "But it expands -- how many pieces do the seeds make?"

3. Me "Hey, quick question -- where's the billing drop spot on our new floor?"

Office Assistant "I'm not answering any questions now -- I'm working on a confidential project."

Me "Huh? Just point me to where you put the billing station for us..."

Office Assistant "I'm sorry, but no questions right now!"

4. Co-Worker "Hey, do you have a minute? What am I supposed to do with the Florida app?"

Her Manager "I don't know, why are you asking me?"

Co-Worker "...because you sent out the email with the application to all of us..."

Her Manager "I don't know! You're going to have to ask someone else!"

Co-Worker "Who? You gave us the application!"

Her Manager "Do I have to do everything around here??"

Co-Worker "......YOU'RE F***ING WORTHLESS!"

When Bob Speaks...

Now, you may be asking yourself, "Who is Bob?" Bob is my own personal cab driver. He used to be everyone's cab driver, but now he's retired (he's like 75), so he only drives for people in the know. I met him one day when I was trying to hail a cab, and this red Toyota Corolla rolled up and beeped at me. Bob introduced himself, showed me his cabbie license, and asked if I needed a ride. He doesn't have a meter, but he has proven highly capable of guessing the cost to any location in the city. His business cards are actually cards for a nail salon, but he has crossed out the front and written his cell phone number on the back. Bob is a thinker.

Here are some recent quotes from Bob:

1. (Concerning Sarah Palin) -- "Mac just wanted a hot lady with him to get more votes. And man, she is hot! Everytime she comes on TV my cat doesn't know WHAT I'm doing."

2. (Concerning the sidewalk stars imprinted with actors' handprints in Hollywood) -- "All you need to do to get a star is be rich and famous. They let anybody have a star, if you're rich and famous. Now there are too many stars. They have those damn things all over the town. All these rich and famous people, 'I'm rich, I'm famous, give me a star!' It's crazy. All these people do is be in movies, and they get to have a star." (This went on for about ten minutes. He clearly has an issue with celebrities.)

3. (Concerning Madonna & Guy Ritchie's divorce) "Good for him, not taking any of her money. That's a good guy! And her, all she did was finger f*** herself and now she's worth billions of dollars?! I don't get it, I just don't get it."

Tony Romo Is Actually A Golden Retriever

Am I the only one that sees it?

Uno Mas Sign of a Sucker

Every once in awhile a product comes along that is so innately stupid that it actually makes me angry. In this case, that product is called an "Uno." For those of you who have yet to catch "Uno Fever," let me explain why you would be a complete f*cking idiot to get in on this scheme. The item above is an Uno, and is advertised as magnetic jewelry. In reality, this piece of "jewelry" consists of an extra long keychain held together by a tiny magnetic ball (the picture above is magnefied about 100 times -- the silver ball is about 1/2 the size of my pinky fingernail). Now, if you're a 13 year old girl, I could see you falling for this type of garbage; if so, please have one of your friends slap you. Hopefully, the rest of you are intelligent enough not to spend SIXTEEN dollars for something that's really only a reason for the rest of us to make fun of you. If you're that desperate, I'll make fun of you for free.

A McPhenomenal Sandwich -- The Farmer

How I Know Kung Fu Panda Isn't A True Story

1) Pandas do not know martial arts, nor can they learn them.

2) If you are going to pick 5 animals to be the top fighters in China, you are not going to pick a mantis, a snake, or a crane. I'll give you the tiger and the monkey, but in a real fight, the mantis and snake would get stepped on immediately, and one kick would snap the crane's legs.

3) The evil tiger would have mauled the panda.

4) A panda would never work in a noodle restaurant. I mean, come on, are you going to give it a full body fur net?

5) How exactly does a turtle disappear into a cloud of peach tree leaves? I'm calling bullshit on this one.

6) A chinchilla would not raise a tiger from birth. He would be eaten.

7) A goose/duck would not raise a panda. He, too, would be eaten.

8) Animals do not talk.

9) If said animals did talk, an evil tiger orphan raised by a chinchilla in China would not speak with a British accent.

10) The woo-shoo finger hold does not actually set off a nuclear explosion by flexing the pinky finger. And if it did, the panda would have been fried along with the tiger.

Note: This is going to be a new column series in which I call bullshit on all of the stuff Dreamworks has been trying to force down our throats. They have skated by with their fake stories for far too long. At the very least, I would like to see them add a disclaimer to the beginning of every movie, as well as to every preview, so that I do not go to the movies only to be blindsided by their lies.

You Know You're A Cougar When...

1) You put Merlot on your cereal
2) Cheetahs have actually mistaken you for their young
3) Your dates are mistaken for your children
4) You receive preferred customer discounts for Botox treatment
5) You hear catcalls when shopping for Depends, and feel flattered
6) You brag about being hit on... by your children's friends
7) Your diet consists primarly of small rodents and birds

Co-Worker Muzzle Needed

Worst/Stupidest Things I've Heard In The Office Recently:

1) "My husband really needs to learn how to iron -- my clothes never seem to fit because he messes up around the buttons." *see previous sausage post

2) "So we had a Roto Rooter emergency last night -- my husband tried to plunge our toilet for an hour, but it didn't work. I just don't know what I ate!"

3) "Oh, we're having hotdogs for lunch? You know who just LOVES a giant hotdog? My 10 year old daughter!"

4) Co-Worker: "My daughter got a tattoo this weekend, and I'm really upset! I just don't know what type of image she's trying to put out there..."

Me: "Really? Why, where is the tattoo? Is it visible?"

Co-Worker: "It's on her shoulder."

Me: "That's not too bad -- what is it, anyway?"

Co-Worker: "It's a trombone -- her HS band got instrument tattoos."

5) "You know what, I'm sick of people complaining about raises! If you want to make obscene amounts of money, leave! But if you actually care about your career here, you'll stay."

One for the People

For decades, many offices across America have strived to make their employees feel more comfortable. Whether it's through ergonomic chairs or LCD monitors, companies have found that a comfortable worker is a productive worker. It was along these same lines of thought that Corporate America came up with the concept of Casual Fridays.

Some people aren't so lucky. Some people are required by their faith and community to ride horses, sit on logs, drink straight from the udders and wear scratchy homespun wool every day of their lives. In the hopes of spreading some corporate cheer, I propose that from here on out, every Tuesday will be known as Casual Menonite Tuesday. Let down your hair, my friends, and throw on some jeans -- you've earned it! Want to take a ride in the swivel chair? Be my guest! That barca lounger has your name on it! Welcome to Casual Menonite Tuesday!

Bosintang Recipe

Dog Soup is called, Gaejang, Gajangkuk, or Gujang, Gujangaeng, Guyoukgeng. It has been called Bosintang from the later part of 1940,but during the period of the 1988 Olympic games, it was banned to use the name of Bosintang, so its name was replaced by Youngyangtang, Sacheoltang, Mungmungtang. But nowadays, the name of Bosintang is widely used instead of Youngyangtang. Bosintang is made by boiling dog meat with thin soy paste, tearing it into pieces, putting ingredients such as green onion, leek, stalk of taro, brake into broth, and boiling it again to make Bosintang. In Kyungsang province, to get rid of the smell, perilla purple are put in the soup. Perilla are also used for ridding the smell. Taste of perilla is similar to that of dog, and it becomes a good match to dog meat. Side dishes of dog meat are Kimchi, fresh peppers, and cucumbers. Adding a glass of Soju(liquor) enhances the taste.

Why Paul Walker Would Make A Better VP Than Sarah Palin

1) He is a better driver

2) He likes animals, especially Siberian Huskies

3) He is smarter

4) He isn't a bitch... completely

5) His accent is less annoying

6) He would make a better President

7) He would lower taxes. Or raise them. Whatever.

8) Same for Health Care

9) Highest surfer voter turnout ever, as opposed to highest redneck moose muncher turnout ever... okay that one's a wash.

Why My Fish Is Better Than Your Fish

1) He recognizes me, and greets me when I come home.

2) He lives in a skull-shaped home. By choice.

3) His name is Deuce.

4) He lets me decide when and how much to feed him. Yes, he can go three weeks eating his own poop.

5) He has no problems with people using his bowl as a wishing well.

6) He is the oldest fish I have ever met -- 18 months old.

7) He can blow bubbles at will.