When Bob Speaks...

Now, you may be asking yourself, "Who is Bob?" Bob is my own personal cab driver. He used to be everyone's cab driver, but now he's retired (he's like 75), so he only drives for people in the know. I met him one day when I was trying to hail a cab, and this red Toyota Corolla rolled up and beeped at me. Bob introduced himself, showed me his cabbie license, and asked if I needed a ride. He doesn't have a meter, but he has proven highly capable of guessing the cost to any location in the city. His business cards are actually cards for a nail salon, but he has crossed out the front and written his cell phone number on the back. Bob is a thinker.

Here are some recent quotes from Bob:

1. (Concerning Sarah Palin) -- "Mac just wanted a hot lady with him to get more votes. And man, she is hot! Everytime she comes on TV my cat doesn't know WHAT I'm doing."

2. (Concerning the sidewalk stars imprinted with actors' handprints in Hollywood) -- "All you need to do to get a star is be rich and famous. They let anybody have a star, if you're rich and famous. Now there are too many stars. They have those damn things all over the town. All these rich and famous people, 'I'm rich, I'm famous, give me a star!' It's crazy. All these people do is be in movies, and they get to have a star." (This went on for about ten minutes. He clearly has an issue with celebrities.)

3. (Concerning Madonna & Guy Ritchie's divorce) "Good for him, not taking any of her money. That's a good guy! And her, all she did was finger f*** herself and now she's worth billions of dollars?! I don't get it, I just don't get it."

Tony Romo Is Actually A Golden Retriever

Am I the only one that sees it?

Uno Mas Sign of a Sucker

Every once in awhile a product comes along that is so innately stupid that it actually makes me angry. In this case, that product is called an "Uno." For those of you who have yet to catch "Uno Fever," let me explain why you would be a complete f*cking idiot to get in on this scheme. The item above is an Uno, and is advertised as magnetic jewelry. In reality, this piece of "jewelry" consists of an extra long keychain held together by a tiny magnetic ball (the picture above is magnefied about 100 times -- the silver ball is about 1/2 the size of my pinky fingernail). Now, if you're a 13 year old girl, I could see you falling for this type of garbage; if so, please have one of your friends slap you. Hopefully, the rest of you are intelligent enough not to spend SIXTEEN dollars for something that's really only a reason for the rest of us to make fun of you. If you're that desperate, I'll make fun of you for free.

A McPhenomenal Sandwich -- The Farmer

How I Know Kung Fu Panda Isn't A True Story

1) Pandas do not know martial arts, nor can they learn them.

2) If you are going to pick 5 animals to be the top fighters in China, you are not going to pick a mantis, a snake, or a crane. I'll give you the tiger and the monkey, but in a real fight, the mantis and snake would get stepped on immediately, and one kick would snap the crane's legs.

3) The evil tiger would have mauled the panda.

4) A panda would never work in a noodle restaurant. I mean, come on, are you going to give it a full body fur net?

5) How exactly does a turtle disappear into a cloud of peach tree leaves? I'm calling bullshit on this one.

6) A chinchilla would not raise a tiger from birth. He would be eaten.

7) A goose/duck would not raise a panda. He, too, would be eaten.

8) Animals do not talk.

9) If said animals did talk, an evil tiger orphan raised by a chinchilla in China would not speak with a British accent.

10) The woo-shoo finger hold does not actually set off a nuclear explosion by flexing the pinky finger. And if it did, the panda would have been fried along with the tiger.

Note: This is going to be a new column series in which I call bullshit on all of the stuff Dreamworks has been trying to force down our throats. They have skated by with their fake stories for far too long. At the very least, I would like to see them add a disclaimer to the beginning of every movie, as well as to every preview, so that I do not go to the movies only to be blindsided by their lies.

You Know You're A Cougar When...

1) You put Merlot on your cereal
2) Cheetahs have actually mistaken you for their young
3) Your dates are mistaken for your children
4) You receive preferred customer discounts for Botox treatment
5) You hear catcalls when shopping for Depends, and feel flattered
6) You brag about being hit on... by your children's friends
7) Your diet consists primarly of small rodents and birds

Co-Worker Muzzle Needed

Worst/Stupidest Things I've Heard In The Office Recently:

1) "My husband really needs to learn how to iron -- my clothes never seem to fit because he messes up around the buttons." *see previous sausage post

2) "So we had a Roto Rooter emergency last night -- my husband tried to plunge our toilet for an hour, but it didn't work. I just don't know what I ate!"

3) "Oh, we're having hotdogs for lunch? You know who just LOVES a giant hotdog? My 10 year old daughter!"

4) Co-Worker: "My daughter got a tattoo this weekend, and I'm really upset! I just don't know what type of image she's trying to put out there..."

Me: "Really? Why, where is the tattoo? Is it visible?"

Co-Worker: "It's on her shoulder."

Me: "That's not too bad -- what is it, anyway?"

Co-Worker: "It's a trombone -- her HS band got instrument tattoos."

5) "You know what, I'm sick of people complaining about raises! If you want to make obscene amounts of money, leave! But if you actually care about your career here, you'll stay."

One for the People

For decades, many offices across America have strived to make their employees feel more comfortable. Whether it's through ergonomic chairs or LCD monitors, companies have found that a comfortable worker is a productive worker. It was along these same lines of thought that Corporate America came up with the concept of Casual Fridays.

Some people aren't so lucky. Some people are required by their faith and community to ride horses, sit on logs, drink straight from the udders and wear scratchy homespun wool every day of their lives. In the hopes of spreading some corporate cheer, I propose that from here on out, every Tuesday will be known as Casual Menonite Tuesday. Let down your hair, my friends, and throw on some jeans -- you've earned it! Want to take a ride in the swivel chair? Be my guest! That barca lounger has your name on it! Welcome to Casual Menonite Tuesday!

Bosintang Recipe

Dog Soup is called, Gaejang, Gajangkuk, or Gujang, Gujangaeng, Guyoukgeng. It has been called Bosintang from the later part of 1940,but during the period of the 1988 Olympic games, it was banned to use the name of Bosintang, so its name was replaced by Youngyangtang, Sacheoltang, Mungmungtang. But nowadays, the name of Bosintang is widely used instead of Youngyangtang. Bosintang is made by boiling dog meat with thin soy paste, tearing it into pieces, putting ingredients such as green onion, leek, stalk of taro, brake into broth, and boiling it again to make Bosintang. In Kyungsang province, to get rid of the smell, perilla purple are put in the soup. Perilla are also used for ridding the smell. Taste of perilla is similar to that of dog, and it becomes a good match to dog meat. Side dishes of dog meat are Kimchi, fresh peppers, and cucumbers. Adding a glass of Soju(liquor) enhances the taste.

Why Paul Walker Would Make A Better VP Than Sarah Palin

1) He is a better driver

2) He likes animals, especially Siberian Huskies

3) He is smarter

4) He isn't a bitch... completely

5) His accent is less annoying

6) He would make a better President

7) He would lower taxes. Or raise them. Whatever.

8) Same for Health Care

9) Highest surfer voter turnout ever, as opposed to highest redneck moose muncher turnout ever... okay that one's a wash.