Why My Fish Is Better Than Your Fish

1) He recognizes me, and greets me when I come home.

2) He lives in a skull-shaped home. By choice.

3) His name is Deuce.

4) He lets me decide when and how much to feed him. Yes, he can go three weeks eating his own poop.

5) He has no problems with people using his bowl as a wishing well.

6) He is the oldest fish I have ever met -- 18 months old.

7) He can blow bubbles at will.

I Work With A Sausage

So, I work with a sausage. And this is honestly the kindest way to describe my cubicle neighbor's daily appearance. Somedays, I swear I can hear her suit buttons crying. And it's not that she's particularly fat -- she's not thin, but not ginormous -- but she is under the impression that purchasing little people's clothes will make her look hot. Now, don't get me wrong, I am all for formfitting clothing -- but if your form is that of a snowman, please do not dress like a prostitute. Snowmen can be attractive too, but I guarantee you they don't shop at Express. Go to Dress Barn.

Daylight Savings Time: You Suck

You suck, you are pointless, and nobody likes you. You either make me late or early, and both are unnecessary. Like the cavemen, and all wildlife in general, I can adjust my own schedule based on whether or not it is sunny out. Clocks work fine without you. If you're having problems, learn some f***ing time management.

Things That Smell Good That Probably Shouldn't

1) Leather -- it's a cow's skin, enough said.

2) Gasoline -- if it weren't for the flammable thing, I would bathe in you.

3) Newspapers -- I don't know that this should necessarily smell bad, but there's really no reason it should smell good.

4) Strippers -- I don't need to explain.

5) Dog food -- You're not for me to eat, so stop tempting me.

6) Airplane air vent air -- It just doesn't fit the general discount coach seat nastiness.

7) Overheating office printers -- they kind of smell like fresh Papa John's pizza.

Reasons Why Capes Should Be More Popular

Capes are possibly the most underrated outer garment. Below are reasons they need to come back:

1) Pure style -- no other item looks equally as cool whether the wearer is walking, running, or riding a bike.

2) Convenient warmth-- Imagine having a blanket with you at all times, but one you don't actually need to carry with your hands.

3) Ease of finding the correct size -- I am reasonably confident manufacturers could stick to two sizes, child and normal.

4) Handy picnic/beach/stadium supply -- no explanation needed.

5) Backpack protection -- not only will you remain dry, but your backpack will as well!

6) Slimming effect -- no easier way to hide a large ass than draping a tarp over it.

7) Sound effects -- nothing radiates power like the "swish" of a cape.

I am reasonably certain there are more benefits to the cape, but this is all I've got at the moment. I'll update as needed.

Things I Stepped in Last Week

This is a list for my friend Steph, who requested that I put a lot of lists on this blog. This will be a short list, albeit one that is very meaningful to me, simply because all (both) of these events sucked.

1) Monday -- stepped in a dog nugget at the bus stop on my way to work. And despite my best efforts at the mens' room sink, I continued to get whiffs of digested Purina all day.

2) Tuesday -- unknown white substance. Possibly paint, salad dressing, or an ostrich worth of bird shit. This wasn't discovered until after lunch, and was not actually on the bottom of my shoe, but was somehow streaked over the side and onto my pants cuff. Smelled like white-out, and was not the most cooperative in the cleaning-up phase.

Note: this may be a taco entry for some of you (see first entry).

Hence the Name

Basically, I called this blog Combo Platter because there is no doubt in my mind that some (most) of you would be more than happy to substitute some of the crap that ends up on it with more meaningful (to you) material. It's like when a Mexican restaurant offers you a meal with a taco, an enchilada, and one of those gross stuffed jalapeno things. No one really wants the taco, but you deal with it to get the other stuff.

Also, a quick note regarding why this blog exists -- I have way too much time on my hands at my "real" job. No other reason. And until now, my online socializing consisted of facebook stalking with a dash of internet dating. However, both websites have now been deemed "Non-Business Sites" and are fully blocked. So going forward this is how I will spend my time, at least for the next few days until I find something else to do.