My New Year's Resolutions

1) To meet this walrus and share a fish with him.
2) To make Paris Hilton my girlfriend.
3) To grow back hair into a mohawk, then crawl around like a stegosaurus.
4) To kill Bigfoot, or at least capture and waterboard him.
5) To make pickles illegal.
6) To add 5 pounds to my benchpress.
7) To add 5 pounds to my ass.
8) To win ANOTHER modeling competition.
9) For this blog to be printed in the NYTimes as a result of some scandal I am involved in.
10) To purchase undershirts without factory installed pit stains.

Real Life: It's Your Destiny

1. Bob Barker = Walmart Greeter ("Mayonaisse? Aisle 5, $2.37)

2. Bono = Sunglass Hut Franchisee

3. Keanu Reeves = First Successful Personality Transplant Recipient

4. Michael Phelps = SeaWorld Perfomer

5. Paris Hilton = Missionary (of some sort...)

6. Samuel L. Jackson = Lifetime Achievement Award for Most Disgruntled Cop Roles

7. Amy Winehouse = D.A.R.E. Show & Tell Presenter

8. Dick Cheney = Duracell Battery Spokesman

9. Santa Claus = Priest

My Hero for the Day

Why I wish I was more like you, Sir:

1) I would have a sweet scooter.
2) Expectations of me would be much lower.
3) I could get away with wearing suspenders.
4) I would pick up more ladies.
5) I would most likely be jolly.
6) I could teach Nascar drivers to draft.

One for the Guys: Urinal Etiquette

Okay, now most of these rules may seem self-explanatory, but there are definitely people out there that should follow these tips:

1) Do not pee on the top of the urinal

2) Do not pee on the floor (this means you, 21st floor puddle monkey)

3) Do not rest your hands/elbows on the divider between the urinals while standing next to another man. You can support your own weight for 35 seconds.

4) If you must talk to your neighbor, eye contact is NOT necessary or appreciated. It's creepy.

5) If stage fright happens, please step back and take a moment to gather your thoughts. It is not okay to hold up the rest of us while you shuffle your feet and think watery thoughts. This is twice as important in a crowded venue, i.e. a stadium, after a movie, etc.

Will Somebody Please Shut These People Up?

Recent Co-worker Comments & Convos:

1. Boss "Yeah, I definitely think that Chicago and Minneapolis are the coldest of our offices."

Co-Worker "Or Fargo."

Boss "We don't have an office in Fargo."

Co-Worker "But it's really cold there."

2. Boss "Here's the popcorn you ordered from my daughter's fundraiser."

Co-Worker "You mean it's seeds? I thought it would be for the microwave."

Boss "You selected the tin of unpopped popcorn -- you didn't select the microwave popcorn."

Co-worker "Well, how am I supposed to pop it?"

Boss "Just put it in a pan on the stove with some oil."

Co-worker "I don't have a pan big enough for all of this!"

Boss "That's a 5 pound tin, you don't want to pop it all at once -- just put a little in."

Co-Worker "But it expands -- how many pieces do the seeds make?"

3. Me "Hey, quick question -- where's the billing drop spot on our new floor?"

Office Assistant "I'm not answering any questions now -- I'm working on a confidential project."

Me "Huh? Just point me to where you put the billing station for us..."

Office Assistant "I'm sorry, but no questions right now!"

4. Co-Worker "Hey, do you have a minute? What am I supposed to do with the Florida app?"

Her Manager "I don't know, why are you asking me?"

Co-Worker "...because you sent out the email with the application to all of us..."

Her Manager "I don't know! You're going to have to ask someone else!"

Co-Worker "Who? You gave us the application!"

Her Manager "Do I have to do everything around here??"

Co-Worker "......YOU'RE F***ING WORTHLESS!"

When Bob Speaks...

Now, you may be asking yourself, "Who is Bob?" Bob is my own personal cab driver. He used to be everyone's cab driver, but now he's retired (he's like 75), so he only drives for people in the know. I met him one day when I was trying to hail a cab, and this red Toyota Corolla rolled up and beeped at me. Bob introduced himself, showed me his cabbie license, and asked if I needed a ride. He doesn't have a meter, but he has proven highly capable of guessing the cost to any location in the city. His business cards are actually cards for a nail salon, but he has crossed out the front and written his cell phone number on the back. Bob is a thinker.

Here are some recent quotes from Bob:

1. (Concerning Sarah Palin) -- "Mac just wanted a hot lady with him to get more votes. And man, she is hot! Everytime she comes on TV my cat doesn't know WHAT I'm doing."

2. (Concerning the sidewalk stars imprinted with actors' handprints in Hollywood) -- "All you need to do to get a star is be rich and famous. They let anybody have a star, if you're rich and famous. Now there are too many stars. They have those damn things all over the town. All these rich and famous people, 'I'm rich, I'm famous, give me a star!' It's crazy. All these people do is be in movies, and they get to have a star." (This went on for about ten minutes. He clearly has an issue with celebrities.)

3. (Concerning Madonna & Guy Ritchie's divorce) "Good for him, not taking any of her money. That's a good guy! And her, all she did was finger f*** herself and now she's worth billions of dollars?! I don't get it, I just don't get it."

Tony Romo Is Actually A Golden Retriever

Am I the only one that sees it?