The Best Thing Since Sliced Bread... Literally

I would like to take this opportunity to make my reader(s) aware of an organization I recently joined which is sure to provide a large amount of fodder for this blog. In the interest of providing some anonymity to other participants in the club, I will refer to it henceforth as Cookedbreadmasters.

What is Cookedbreadmasters, you ask? In short, it is a public speaking club for those among us who find it difficult to talk in front of large groups. Or small groups. Or to their pets.

I have attended one meeting, and from what I can tell, the ideal candidate is someone with any or all of the following:

1) a heavy accent
2) a stuttering problem
3) an issue with making eye contact
4) a lisp
5) a propensity to wet himself or herself when conversing with others.

As it just so happens, I possess none of the above, and therefore imagine myself as the Poster Child of a successful graduate of the program. However, in all fairness to the organization, I think it's a tremendous (and safe) opportunity for those people with the above problems to conquer their fears. To prove this, and in the hopes of obtaining an official Cookedbreadmasters tie, I have taken it upon myself to recruit others to this program. Recruiting will take place each night this week between the hours of 12 and 4am on the Chicago public transportation system. If you are interested in joining, please feel free to show up at any time, and look for the guy with dry pants who looks you in the eye and crisply says "Hello" when you board the train.

Now Hiring

Due to my fish's decision to pursue other opportunities (in the toilet), there is now an opening in his fish bowl. Candidates must possess the following attributes:

1) Leadership - you must be willing to manage the rocks in your tank, as well as inspire the plastic weed to start pulling his own weight.

2) Determination - you must be determined to eat at least four food pellets a day, and occasionally five, depending on my generosity.

3) Service - you must be committed to providing the excellent customer service my clients have come to expect. You must be willing to greet them at the north side of your bowl, and politely blow bubbles in their direction. You must consistently display a cheerful, "can-do" attitude.

4) Knowledge - you must clearly demonstrate the specific knowledge requirements of a fish. You will be expected to develop your own business plan, and execute it in a financially sound manner.

Applications are now being accepted, and relocation expenses are negotiable. Thank you.

My New Year's Resolutions

1) To meet this walrus and share a fish with him.
2) To make Paris Hilton my girlfriend.
3) To grow back hair into a mohawk, then crawl around like a stegosaurus.
4) To kill Bigfoot, or at least capture and waterboard him.
5) To make pickles illegal.
6) To add 5 pounds to my benchpress.
7) To add 5 pounds to my ass.
8) To win ANOTHER modeling competition.
9) For this blog to be printed in the NYTimes as a result of some scandal I am involved in.
10) To purchase undershirts without factory installed pit stains.

Real Life: It's Your Destiny

1. Bob Barker = Walmart Greeter ("Mayonaisse? Aisle 5, $2.37)

2. Bono = Sunglass Hut Franchisee

3. Keanu Reeves = First Successful Personality Transplant Recipient

4. Michael Phelps = SeaWorld Perfomer

5. Paris Hilton = Missionary (of some sort...)

6. Samuel L. Jackson = Lifetime Achievement Award for Most Disgruntled Cop Roles

7. Amy Winehouse = D.A.R.E. Show & Tell Presenter

8. Dick Cheney = Duracell Battery Spokesman

9. Santa Claus = Priest

My Hero for the Day

Why I wish I was more like you, Sir:

1) I would have a sweet scooter.
2) Expectations of me would be much lower.
3) I could get away with wearing suspenders.
4) I would pick up more ladies.
5) I would most likely be jolly.
6) I could teach Nascar drivers to draft.

One for the Guys: Urinal Etiquette

Okay, now most of these rules may seem self-explanatory, but there are definitely people out there that should follow these tips:

1) Do not pee on the top of the urinal

2) Do not pee on the floor (this means you, 21st floor puddle monkey)

3) Do not rest your hands/elbows on the divider between the urinals while standing next to another man. You can support your own weight for 35 seconds.

4) If you must talk to your neighbor, eye contact is NOT necessary or appreciated. It's creepy.

5) If stage fright happens, please step back and take a moment to gather your thoughts. It is not okay to hold up the rest of us while you shuffle your feet and think watery thoughts. This is twice as important in a crowded venue, i.e. a stadium, after a movie, etc.

Will Somebody Please Shut These People Up?

Recent Co-worker Comments & Convos:

1. Boss "Yeah, I definitely think that Chicago and Minneapolis are the coldest of our offices."

Co-Worker "Or Fargo."

Boss "We don't have an office in Fargo."

Co-Worker "But it's really cold there."

2. Boss "Here's the popcorn you ordered from my daughter's fundraiser."

Co-Worker "You mean it's seeds? I thought it would be for the microwave."

Boss "You selected the tin of unpopped popcorn -- you didn't select the microwave popcorn."

Co-worker "Well, how am I supposed to pop it?"

Boss "Just put it in a pan on the stove with some oil."

Co-worker "I don't have a pan big enough for all of this!"

Boss "That's a 5 pound tin, you don't want to pop it all at once -- just put a little in."

Co-Worker "But it expands -- how many pieces do the seeds make?"

3. Me "Hey, quick question -- where's the billing drop spot on our new floor?"

Office Assistant "I'm not answering any questions now -- I'm working on a confidential project."

Me "Huh? Just point me to where you put the billing station for us..."

Office Assistant "I'm sorry, but no questions right now!"

4. Co-Worker "Hey, do you have a minute? What am I supposed to do with the Florida app?"

Her Manager "I don't know, why are you asking me?"

Co-Worker "...because you sent out the email with the application to all of us..."

Her Manager "I don't know! You're going to have to ask someone else!"

Co-Worker "Who? You gave us the application!"

Her Manager "Do I have to do everything around here??"

Co-Worker "......YOU'RE F***ING WORTHLESS!"