My New Year's Resolutions

1) To meet this walrus and share a fish with him.
2) To make Paris Hilton my girlfriend.
3) To grow back hair into a mohawk, then crawl around like a stegosaurus.
4) To kill Bigfoot, or at least capture and waterboard him.
5) To make pickles illegal.
6) To add 5 pounds to my benchpress.
7) To add 5 pounds to my ass.
8) To win ANOTHER modeling competition.
9) For this blog to be printed in the NYTimes as a result of some scandal I am involved in.
10) To purchase undershirts without factory installed pit stains.

Real Life: It's Your Destiny

1. Bob Barker = Walmart Greeter ("Mayonaisse? Aisle 5, $2.37)

2. Bono = Sunglass Hut Franchisee

3. Keanu Reeves = First Successful Personality Transplant Recipient

4. Michael Phelps = SeaWorld Perfomer

5. Paris Hilton = Missionary (of some sort...)

6. Samuel L. Jackson = Lifetime Achievement Award for Most Disgruntled Cop Roles

7. Amy Winehouse = D.A.R.E. Show & Tell Presenter

8. Dick Cheney = Duracell Battery Spokesman

9. Santa Claus = Priest

My Hero for the Day

Why I wish I was more like you, Sir:

1) I would have a sweet scooter.
2) Expectations of me would be much lower.
3) I could get away with wearing suspenders.
4) I would pick up more ladies.
5) I would most likely be jolly.
6) I could teach Nascar drivers to draft.

One for the Guys: Urinal Etiquette

Okay, now most of these rules may seem self-explanatory, but there are definitely people out there that should follow these tips:

1) Do not pee on the top of the urinal

2) Do not pee on the floor (this means you, 21st floor puddle monkey)

3) Do not rest your hands/elbows on the divider between the urinals while standing next to another man. You can support your own weight for 35 seconds.

4) If you must talk to your neighbor, eye contact is NOT necessary or appreciated. It's creepy.

5) If stage fright happens, please step back and take a moment to gather your thoughts. It is not okay to hold up the rest of us while you shuffle your feet and think watery thoughts. This is twice as important in a crowded venue, i.e. a stadium, after a movie, etc.

Will Somebody Please Shut These People Up?

Recent Co-worker Comments & Convos:

1. Boss "Yeah, I definitely think that Chicago and Minneapolis are the coldest of our offices."

Co-Worker "Or Fargo."

Boss "We don't have an office in Fargo."

Co-Worker "But it's really cold there."

2. Boss "Here's the popcorn you ordered from my daughter's fundraiser."

Co-Worker "You mean it's seeds? I thought it would be for the microwave."

Boss "You selected the tin of unpopped popcorn -- you didn't select the microwave popcorn."

Co-worker "Well, how am I supposed to pop it?"

Boss "Just put it in a pan on the stove with some oil."

Co-worker "I don't have a pan big enough for all of this!"

Boss "That's a 5 pound tin, you don't want to pop it all at once -- just put a little in."

Co-Worker "But it expands -- how many pieces do the seeds make?"

3. Me "Hey, quick question -- where's the billing drop spot on our new floor?"

Office Assistant "I'm not answering any questions now -- I'm working on a confidential project."

Me "Huh? Just point me to where you put the billing station for us..."

Office Assistant "I'm sorry, but no questions right now!"

4. Co-Worker "Hey, do you have a minute? What am I supposed to do with the Florida app?"

Her Manager "I don't know, why are you asking me?"

Co-Worker "...because you sent out the email with the application to all of us..."

Her Manager "I don't know! You're going to have to ask someone else!"

Co-Worker "Who? You gave us the application!"

Her Manager "Do I have to do everything around here??"

Co-Worker "......YOU'RE F***ING WORTHLESS!"