Why I love online banking chat room specialists

Harry: Please allow me a moment while I check the details.

You: ok thank you

Harry: Thank you for your time and patience.

Harry: I was trying my best.

You: Thats okay -- any luck? Can you remove those fees?

Harry: I really appreciate your precious relationship with us and Being one of our valued customers I would be more than happy to give you a courtesy refund.

Harry: This will be credited within 24 to 48 hours.

Harry: I have tried my best to help you a prestigious customer like you by offering this refund today.

You: Thats terrific -- you can refund both the $35 return check fee and also the $39 late fee, for a total of $74?

Harry: I completely understand your situation.

Harry: As a chat specialist I have certain set of rules and policies to follow as well.

Harry: I have tried my best to help you a prestigious customer like you by offering this refund today.

You: Is that a yes, you can refund the total of $74 in fees?

Harry: I am able to refund only $39.00.

Harry: If possible I would have been the first one to refund both the fees.

You: But the $35 was a result of your system pulling from the incorrect account

You: which I had already corrected

You: I don't believe I should be charged a fee for that

Harry: I am reviewing it for you again.

You: thank you

Harry: I will be right with you.

Harry: Thank you for waiting. I'll be with you in just a moment.

You: thank you

Harry: I'm sorry for the delay. I'll be right with you.

Harry: Thank you for your time and patience.

You: No problem

You: I feel like you should have the Jeopardy theme song playing while I wait

Harry: Thank you for your concern.

You: Thank you for your time and patience with me, Harry

Harry: I have processed the refund for you.

Harry: This will be credited within 24 to 48 hours.

You: Both the refund for $35 and the refund for $39?

Harry: Thats right.

You: Thank you so much for your help

Harry: Pleasure was all mine.

Harry: Is there anything else I can help you with today?

You: I beg to differ -- the pleasure was all mine

You: Can you reduce my interest rate?

Harry: I would have loved to lower your interest rate however as a credit card specialist I am unable to do that through this chat channel.

Harry: However, I have a best alternative for you in this matter.

Harry: You are more than welcome to contact our Specialized Credit Department to discuss this matter and to check if your account is eligible for any promotional offer with a lower interest rate.

Harry: Would you like me to provide you the direct phone number for our specialist?

You: Can I chat online with them?

Harry: I see that you rate is fixed,

You: I do not have a phone

Harry: I am sorry this will not be possible.

You: Can you contact them for me?

Harry: I am unable to contact them.

You: That is too bad

You: alas, thank you again for your time and patience

Harry: I sincerely apologize for the inconvenience.

You: you have been most helpful

Harry: You are most welcome.

Harry: Is there anything else I can help you with today?

You: No no, you have done more than enough

Harry: It was a pleasure assisting you today.

Harry: Wish you a very happy Christmas and New Year!

You: You, too, my new friend!

Harry: I do want to take the opportunity to thank you for being a valued Bank of America customer. We appreciate your business.

You: And I yours

You: Have a wonderful day

Harry: Absolutely!

Harry: You too!

You: Thank you!

You: Goodbye Harry!

Harry: To close this chat session, click the "Close" button in the upper right corner of this chat window.

You: Will it time me out if I do not click close?

Harry: Thats right.

You: What is the time limit?

Harry: 5 to 10 mins.

You: Okay, that is good to know

Harry: Shall I close it for you?

You: Thanks again!

You: Yes, please

Harry: You are most welcome anytime.

Three Cheers for Zolotisty and Boy!

Yesterday, I had the privilege of seeing a personal letter written by Helen Keller to a friend of hers, and even though there was nothing particularly noteworthy in the letter, I was flabbergasted by her beautiful handwriting. Which got me thinking - what were the names of Pavlov's dogs?

Allow me to explain.

Helen Keller was blind, deaf, and mute, yet somehow she managed to graduate from college, she wrote several books, and she founded the American Foundation for the Blind. In addition, she was known as an activist and a lecturer (don't ask me) for causes including Socialism and women's rights. Today, everyone knows her name, and she is hailed by many as a genius.

I don't buy any of it. Now, if everyone knew the name of her tutor/therapist/trainer and general puppetmaster extraordinaire (Ann Sullivan), and this woman was hailed as a genius, I wouldn't have a problem. But absolutely nothing can convince me that someone who can't see, hear, or speak really understood the meaning and feeling behind her letters, books, and speeches (again, I have no idea), let alone was solely responsible for setting up an international foundation! Do I believe she did it? Sure. But do I also believe that had Ann Sullivan wanted her to become a whistling Muslim poet, could she have done it? You'd better believe it.

Which brings me to Pavlov's dogs. So he managed to train a couple of dogs to drool when they hear a bell ring -- so what? Why do we hail him as some psychologist wizard, when in reality, it was Zolotisty and Boy (the real talent) who managed to master their saliva glands to drool on command? What, is that a bell I hear? Slurrrrp.

All I'm asking for is consistency. If we're going to praise the trainer in one situation, than lets do it across the board. Why do we think it's fair to pick and choose the accomplishments we recognize? And more importantly, did Ann Sullivan ever get Helen Keller to drool on command?

The Best Thing Since Sliced Bread... Literally

I would like to take this opportunity to make my reader(s) aware of an organization I recently joined which is sure to provide a large amount of fodder for this blog. In the interest of providing some anonymity to other participants in the club, I will refer to it henceforth as Cookedbreadmasters.

What is Cookedbreadmasters, you ask? In short, it is a public speaking club for those among us who find it difficult to talk in front of large groups. Or small groups. Or to their pets.

I have attended one meeting, and from what I can tell, the ideal candidate is someone with any or all of the following:

1) a heavy accent
2) a stuttering problem
3) an issue with making eye contact
4) a lisp
5) a propensity to wet himself or herself when conversing with others.

As it just so happens, I possess none of the above, and therefore imagine myself as the Poster Child of a successful graduate of the program. However, in all fairness to the organization, I think it's a tremendous (and safe) opportunity for those people with the above problems to conquer their fears. To prove this, and in the hopes of obtaining an official Cookedbreadmasters tie, I have taken it upon myself to recruit others to this program. Recruiting will take place each night this week between the hours of 12 and 4am on the Chicago public transportation system. If you are interested in joining, please feel free to show up at any time, and look for the guy with dry pants who looks you in the eye and crisply says "Hello" when you board the train.

Now Hiring

Due to my fish's decision to pursue other opportunities (in the toilet), there is now an opening in his fish bowl. Candidates must possess the following attributes:

1) Leadership - you must be willing to manage the rocks in your tank, as well as inspire the plastic weed to start pulling his own weight.

2) Determination - you must be determined to eat at least four food pellets a day, and occasionally five, depending on my generosity.

3) Service - you must be committed to providing the excellent customer service my clients have come to expect. You must be willing to greet them at the north side of your bowl, and politely blow bubbles in their direction. You must consistently display a cheerful, "can-do" attitude.

4) Knowledge - you must clearly demonstrate the specific knowledge requirements of a fish. You will be expected to develop your own business plan, and execute it in a financially sound manner.

Applications are now being accepted, and relocation expenses are negotiable. Thank you.

My New Year's Resolutions

1) To meet this walrus and share a fish with him.
2) To make Paris Hilton my girlfriend.
3) To grow back hair into a mohawk, then crawl around like a stegosaurus.
4) To kill Bigfoot, or at least capture and waterboard him.
5) To make pickles illegal.
6) To add 5 pounds to my benchpress.
7) To add 5 pounds to my ass.
8) To win ANOTHER modeling competition.
9) For this blog to be printed in the NYTimes as a result of some scandal I am involved in.
10) To purchase undershirts without factory installed pit stains.

Real Life: It's Your Destiny

1. Bob Barker = Walmart Greeter ("Mayonaisse? Aisle 5, $2.37)

2. Bono = Sunglass Hut Franchisee

3. Keanu Reeves = First Successful Personality Transplant Recipient

4. Michael Phelps = SeaWorld Perfomer

5. Paris Hilton = Missionary (of some sort...)

6. Samuel L. Jackson = Lifetime Achievement Award for Most Disgruntled Cop Roles

7. Amy Winehouse = D.A.R.E. Show & Tell Presenter

8. Dick Cheney = Duracell Battery Spokesman

9. Santa Claus = Priest

My Hero for the Day

Why I wish I was more like you, Sir:

1) I would have a sweet scooter.
2) Expectations of me would be much lower.
3) I could get away with wearing suspenders.
4) I would pick up more ladies.
5) I would most likely be jolly.
6) I could teach Nascar drivers to draft.